The New House
Getting into the new house was also fun. First, everything had to be cleaned. It’s not that the new house wasn’t pretty clean to begin with- the old owners seem to be pretty clean people- but it wasn’t Kristi clean. Also, in getting the house ready to move into, my “honey-do” project list kept getting longer and longer. First, Kristi found out there are hardwood floors under the carpet. Kristi doesn’t like the color of the carpet, so she wanted to rip up the carpet and polish the wood floors before we moved in. Also, the bathroom has maroon and grey tiles. As you find out if you’ve ever been in many houses older than 10 or 15 years, people used to put some way groovy colors into their houses- and especially in the bathroom.
So, we finally got all out stuff into the new house. Now came the part I hate- unpacking and putting everything away. It became very clear while we were packing up our house that we had accumulated a whole lot of crap in the past five years. Now we had to figure out where everything went. Of course, some things were easy. Kayci’s stuff went into her nursery. Duh. But other things- such as pictures and the abundance of knickknacks we have was more difficult. By the way, in Kristi’s journal, she did give me credit for packing up the knickknacks. However, what she failed to mention is the sheer number of knickknacks that we have in our house. Anyone who’s ever been to our house knows that we just have crap sitting everywhere. Bricks, clocks, trophies, jars full of various stuff. It’s not junk- most of this stuff is stuff that we either have some connection to personally, think is really cool or is a family heirloom (such as Kristi’s grandfather’s lunchbox.) So I packed the knickknacks, but the knickknacks actually accounted for about 2/3 of the move. We almost needed to rent two trucks because we had so many knickknacks and keepsakes. I think we were both descended from gypsies. It’s a good thing that our ancestors didn’t come to the New World on the Mayflower. It would’ve taken three trips- “Yes, milady, it is true that thine home shall soon be in America and they have an abundance of gourds and cookery there with which to make delectable meals. But perchance thou art forgetting that there may arise a need for this pot with the huge hole in it that was handed down from thy grandmother’s grandmother. And verily I say unto thee, we shall surely need this brightly colored macramé potholder and thy George Foreman roaster…”
Once we moved into the new house Kristi decided that, as I had been telling her, the carpets were fine and they didn’t need to come up. Luckily, we also found out that the stuff we were going to use to redo the bathroom may cause birth defects in California. That’s what the label said, really. That explains a lot about California.
Anyway, after moving in it was a whirlwind of unpacking and getting ready. We had a goal. On May 17 some of Kristi’s friends were throwing a baby shower at our house and it needed to be ready. It was kinda rough, but we got the house ready in time.
Birthing Classes
Ever since about the beginning of the year, at every doctor’s visit they had been asking us if we were taking our birthing classes yet. And we always said, “No- but we will.” Well, in typical James & Kristi fashion, we waited… and waited… and waited. Finally, we got off our butts and started taking the class at the very end of April. It was a one-night a week class for four weeks.
At the first class we walked in and I felt like it was the first day of a new semester all over again. The room was full of chairs and couples were scattered around the room in various places. Now, this is important- Kristi and I were two completely different kinds of students in school. She was the one on the front row of class taking notes and listening intently and actually trying to, you know, learn something. I, however, usually sat in the back of the classroom and drew cartoons. Every now and then- if my grades were seriously in jeopardy- I would sit in the middle of the class and take notes. I once was forced to sit in the first row by a teacher who assigned seats. I hated every day of that semester and blocked most of it out, and to this day I can’t remember anything about that class except the uncomfortable feeling I had. I did get an A in the class, though…
Those are the roles we fell right back into in the birthing class. Somehow I got to choose where we sat, so we naturally sat toward the back middle of the room, since I wanted to learn something. Birthing class was actually cool because you’re sitting in a little room with about 15 other pregnant couples. Each one of us was sitting there with the confidence that we were the cutest couple in the room and would surely produce the cutest baby. I could just feel it.
Anyway, birthing class consisted of just what you might expect a birthing class to cover- how to make yourself hyperventilate. We learned all kinds of breathing techniques. I think, looking back on the class, that the class is actually designed as a cruel joke amongst the doctors and nurses. I think it’s actually a way for a pregnant couple to look ridiculous one last time before having the baby. It’s not bad enough that a pregnant mother has ballooned to the size of some post-WWI European countries and now has to fend off men with pickaxes trying to climb her “because she’s there,” but now she spends the majority of the most special day in her life making completely ridiculous “hee” and “puff” sounds. And the faces that go with that are just as embarrassing. I’ll bet somewhere in the deep recesses of the hospital, the doctors and nurses are sitting there having a huge chuckle about every last one of them as they count their stacks of (well-earned) money.
The highlight of the entire birthing class for me was the first week when we got to take a tour of the hospital and go to the nursery and pick out a newborn baby to take home for a couple of days and “try out.” That was fun. I guess it’s a pretty standard thing. And I guess that if our baby gets picked, that we’ll be good sports about it, too. I just hope they bring her back in as good a shape as they got her. We didn’t get our deposit back on our baby. We decided that instead of experimenting on Kayci, we’d use little Raul as our guinea pig. We found out that babies don’t like strained brussel sprouts, cat food or being hosed off in the backyard. But little Raul DID like frappacino. Man, that kid could spend some money at Starbucks. He must have had ten or twelve the first day…
Also in our class, one of the couples had their baby in the middle of the class. Well, not actually in the MIDDLE of the class. They moved them off to the side so the screaming wouldn’t disrupt everyone else who was trying to watch the video on “gooey yucky stuff that comes out of your body.” Seriously, though… one of the couples had their baby on the third week of class, so they totally missed the part of the class about how to tell when you’re in labor and what to do afterward. I told them I would take notes and pass it along to them. The couple that had their baby had a really cute baby boy. Some of the other people in the class said they were a Lesbian couple. I couldn’t tell they were Lesbian, but they did look a little effeminate- which I hear is a common trait among people from Lesbia. I told them that I hoped that their little boy would grow up to be a fine Lesbian also.
Leonard - Every Buddy's Best Friend
For awhile, Kristi slept with pillows between her knees when she slept to make her hips feel better. We found out that during pregnancy a woman’s pelvis becomes the consistency of Silly Putty, which accounts for the aching in the hips all the time. So we went to Wal-Mart and bought Kristi a huge body pillow with a leopard print on it. In typical Kristi style, she decided to name it- Leonard. I wanted to find one with a snake skin print and name it Monty, but no such luck.
Sleeping with this body pillow is a very awkward experience. First of all, it’s VERY hot. I guess it has some sort of magical ability to retain heat. We have to turn the AC down to about 55 degrees just to compensate for the heat of this thing. The bad part is when Kristi decided to turn over in the middle of the night and Leonard isn’t between us anymore keeping me warm. I’m getting used to the hypothermia- induced shivering and vomiting, but coughing up blood is a real bummer just to make your wife comfortable.
That’s another thing- suddenly there’s this extra thing in our bed. We had a king size bed for awhile after we got married, but Kristi and I are both cuddly people and it was too big, so we got a full size bed instead. That was perfect until Kristi started getting REALLY pregnant. Suddenly I was having dreams about mountain climbing as I hung precariously off the side of the bed. Now add a whole other body to the equation and there’s Kristi, Kayci, Leonard and me in the bed. It’s gotten very small. I’m getting used to my four and a half centimeters of sleeping room.
And Leonard has a best friend now. Buddy has adopted Leonard as his own and spends most of his time cuddling with Leonard. It doesn’t matter where Leonard is, either. Buddy will follow Leonard around. He’ll go to the couch with Leonard. He’ll climb under the covers. He’ll switch from side to side with Leonard. A couple of days ago, Buddy slept hanging half off the couch just so he could be with Leonard. It’s gonna be ugly when Leonard has to go away.
Bed Rest
Kristi’s feet and ankles had swelled to Incredible Hulk-size proportions when she went to the doctor on Thursday afternoon. I didn’t go with her because a last minute job had come in that had a tight deadline. That probably just added to the situation. It was the last week of school, so the kids in Kristi’s class were in the middle of losing their friggin’ minds. Kristi had had a rough day, and she got lost on the way to the doctor’s office. So it really wasn’t any surprise when her blood pressure was through the roof. So the doctor put her on mandatory bed rest for the entire weekend- including Friday. When Kristi got home from the doctor’s office, she was pissed. I hadn’t been griped at nearly that much in almost three days, so I knew it was really bad. Just kidding, honey. We were supposed to go to Beaumont for the evening to visit with some of my friends and that was obviously out of the question. Disaster (and divorce) was narrowly averted when Kristi told me to go ahead to Beaumont anyway and I refused. Instead, I went to the movie store and rented eight movies for us to watch over the weekend.
So we watched movies all weekend and layed around. It was actually very nice. I think it was sent by God because we wouldn’t have slowed down and taken time to relax like that if the doctor hadn’t ordered her to do so. We always say we’re going to take it easy and have a quiet weekend, but we never do.
Kristi on bed rest means that I’m basically waiting on her all the time. Suddenly I had my normal everyday work stuff and routine to do in addition to Husband stuff and Daddy stuff and Mommy stuff and Son stuff and Son-in-Law stuff and Friend stuff. It literally took all of my time. It’s been a blur- even more of a blur than normal.
But Kristi was really good and stayed on her back all weekend like she was supposed to, with the occasional exception of getting up to pee or to flip over. When we went to the doctor on Monday morning, Kristi’s blood pressure was mostly back to normal, she had ankles and regular-looking feet again, and she had dropped five pound in fluid weight. The doctor said she could teach summer school half the day and then spend the rest of the day resting. All was right in Kristiland.
The Amazing Traveling Baby Shower
On the Sunday of the weekend that Kristi was put on bed rest our church had scheduled a shower for her. Kristi obviously couldn’t get up for it, so I filled in and pulled Daddy AND Mommy duty. It was actually only my third shower EVER, and the first where I actually had to do anything but walk around taking pictures, so I was scared to death. But I had some good help from one of our good friends, and that made it a lot easier. It was actually pretty fun, but I really appreciate Kristi for all the stuff that she does that I have no idea about- such as showers and gift receiving etiquette.
My mom and grandma came to the shower and shot video and photos, respectively. When I got home I played the video for Kristi and as I opened a present on the video I handed the bag to Kristi for her to open, so it was sort of like bringing the shower to her at home. People have since told me that it was a great idea and very thoughtful. Unfortunately, I can’t really take much credit for it- I was just being lazy and figured that it would be easier for her to hear who the present was from as I read the card on the video than trying to remember and screw it up.
The day I almost punched the nurse in her stupid mouth
One of the nurses at the doctor’s office is not my favorite. She’s very gruff and doesn’t have a great bedside manner. When we went to the doctor’s office last week, of course we got “the bad nurse.” When she put the little baby sonar device up to Kristi’s belly so she could hear Kayci’s heartbeat she was a little rough and had the machine turned WAY up. She poked around for a little bit trying to find Kayci’s heartbeat. She found it, but the machine was turned up so loud that Kristi’s belly was jumping in time to Kayci’s heartbeat. Since they’re actually using a little sonar device, we’ve read that Kayci can actually FEEL the sound waves bouncing off her little bones and that it’s not the most comfortable thing in the world for her. So with the machine turned up as high as the nurse had it, Kayci must have been miserable and she jumped with every heartbeat she heard coming from the machine.
Then her heartbeat began racing. The nurse said, “oh- I must have scared her.”
The very thought of my little unborn baby being scared- terrified of something- and having no idea what was happening to her made my sick. I caught myself moving toward the rear of the table where the nurse was standing. I suddenly had this incredible primal urge to SMASH! It was my job as Daddy to stop was hurting my baby and I’m glad I stopped myself. I’m not a violent person at all, but I suddenly had the urge to smack that nurse.
I didn’t, but I wanted to. Even sitting here writing this in Starbuck’s I want to. I may smack the unsuspecting girl at the next table anyway. At least she won’t refuse to birth my baby.
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